Life

Find myself feeling pretty "something", "normal" I don't know. Usually when I'm alone I am scheming for something great. But lately I haven't been acting on that, and not among people socially either, I don't think at least. It feels settling but mundane as well, like somethings missing, but something isn't. I feel like their is a day coming were I will need to be exuberant and impressive, but right now I don't really care, I like being myself, and I'm growing tired of trying to shine above the rest. I'm still very nervous and find myself being frightened by the elements of this world, girls, jobs, friends, loneliness, family, the pressure of days. The pressure of days has deeply affected me in my life, and even though I think I have come such a long ways since college started, from one year to the next, I am still incredibly insecure. But God helps me still, according to the measure of faith he has given me. I wonder what makes me so scared though, I'm fragile beyond measure. Jesus is amazing. I don't write this journal because I'm upset with my state, although I am to some degree, just being honest with myself and realizing this brings to light for me how amazing Jesus really is. My friend Jeff Ballard always use to say to me man it seems like you always have it all together and I tell him, "No man I was scared shitless." And then I proceed to tell him the same, that I'm amazed by what he does, and he says "Dude I don't know what I'm doing either, I'm a nervous wreck to." We both follow Jesus and it finally makes sense, people aren't making it up when the say they have no clue what they are doing, they don't, but Jesus does. I think I'm making this sound to easy though. Lately I have felt like an expired gallon of milk that the family is still drinking out of, because it tastes ok.

Softball Team

Our softball team lost both of it's game in a double elimination tournament today. We had a couple of battles losing the first game 11-6 and losing the second game 11-12 in a extra innings thriller. It was a solid team effort, we all had our spectacular moments and we all had our fair share of mistakes'. Lately I have pondered the difference between success and failure. It's so easy to get tied up in winning and losing in softball because when the games over we get immediate results, a Final score. I find myself continuously throughout my life believing in Final scores. It's really a place where I feel torn as a human being because winning and losing is a big part of life, but unlike sports, in my daily life I can't always see final scores. So it's much harder to decipher what I am losing and what I am gaining. I find myself wishing that their were final scores for everything because then I would simply know who I am, and where I stand. Just think if we really did have personal final scores already, would their be reason to change, would progress be made, we got the job done already and that's all that matters, right? Then how come I have walked away feeling empty from what seemingly was obvious success. You know, we lost the game today, but I felt more like a champion walking away from that field. So I will leave it to White Men Can't Jump. "Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs."