Life

Find myself feeling pretty "something", "normal" I don't know. Usually when I'm alone I am scheming for something great. But lately I haven't been acting on that, and not among people socially either, I don't think at least. It feels settling but mundane as well, like somethings missing, but something isn't. I feel like their is a day coming were I will need to be exuberant and impressive, but right now I don't really care, I like being myself, and I'm growing tired of trying to shine above the rest. I'm still very nervous and find myself being frightened by the elements of this world, girls, jobs, friends, loneliness, family, the pressure of days. The pressure of days has deeply affected me in my life, and even though I think I have come such a long ways since college started, from one year to the next, I am still incredibly insecure. But God helps me still, according to the measure of faith he has given me. I wonder what makes me so scared though, I'm fragile beyond measure. Jesus is amazing. I don't write this journal because I'm upset with my state, although I am to some degree, just being honest with myself and realizing this brings to light for me how amazing Jesus really is. My friend Jeff Ballard always use to say to me man it seems like you always have it all together and I tell him, "No man I was scared shitless." And then I proceed to tell him the same, that I'm amazed by what he does, and he says "Dude I don't know what I'm doing either, I'm a nervous wreck to." We both follow Jesus and it finally makes sense, people aren't making it up when the say they have no clue what they are doing, they don't, but Jesus does. I think I'm making this sound to easy though. Lately I have felt like an expired gallon of milk that the family is still drinking out of, because it tastes ok.