Page to Stage

I did page to stage this week with Kim Bartling this week. Page to Stage is theatre at Mckennen Park here in Sioux Falls. The audience consisted of small kids,parents, grandparents, but mostly kids. We worked are asses off and it was worth it. The result of our product was a happy audience and a cast that learned to lean and grow with each other. The people in the cast were Erika Woodward, Dominique Schuller, David Boe, Brad Hartzler, and Brandon Goodwin. I am so incredibly lucky to get to work with these talented people. I think I am a little more confident and have learned to work harder through these people. I realized this week that one of my big flaws is that I am all about big moments, I will build something up in my head as important and wait for the time to come to act on whatever I have decided is important. This results in bottled up worry that is eventually released, and the outcome and feeling of my self worth depends on what happens through whatever ensuing action happens. I used to think I was scared to become, but I think now more I am just scared to be. My goal is to quit looking for that next hint, that next sign to further my destiny. I am not saying that I want to control my passion to live, but I want to let my passion live in a state of realism. Realism is the opposite of what I was explaining before, before my passion was released through created worry that didn't even really exist except for in my own mind, realism is dealing with what really exists, not what might, or could. I'm finding little things are important, but not necessarily the things I think are important. So my goal is to let whatever subject around me is breathe so I can here what it sounds like before I react to it. Sometimes I tend to react to certain situations without consideration for myself, I find that when I consider and get to know myself, I find truth,love,patience,endurance, hugs. I will have to credit these thought to trial and error, walks,and people. I miss my friend Jeff Ballard, haven't seen him for awhile. Speaking of really good friends what a blessing to be able to spend the week with Brad Hartzler. Dude works hard, and is in it for the long hull. He's just fun to be around and it was great to have our relationship grow even more throughout this week. Brad Hartzler is that guy. I feel like I have more to write. Had a good conversation with my mom tonight. She told me to do what makes me happy, it's nice to hear that.

Elliot Smith quote-it might not be exact it's from memory
"Writing safe lyrics that you think people want to here are a really good way to fail, dyings another way."
I recommend listening to any of his music, but especially his song Miss Misery

Endurance

I have been thinking about endurance a lot lately and whether it's meaningful or not. I have always been a 20 yard sprint guy, not just in sports but in life. It's like football, I need that break after every play or I might give up on my task. My focus was heavy on letting things develop before today, and I find my laid back slacker style personality being potentially hazardous. The truth is, is I wish I knew what it felt like to have nothing to do the next day, to sit in one spot or sleep for like a week, maybe longer. This could be because I don't really do what my heart wants so I would rather not move somedays instead of going out to seemingly mundane chores that I call my life. I feel myself trying to break off from where I am at in my life right now like never before. The realization that I am not happy sometimes, makes me happy. When by some divine miracle I am able to muster my way through these unhappy things at the end of a day, it feels good, sometimes. I want to live my life for Jesus, and I feel like that means I have to live my life for me, because their is only one me, why would I be here to live someone else life. I do feel the invisible pressures from forces here on earth, I hate it. I want to be free.

Visionary

This summer I have been tired and distracted, which has lead me to some realizations. My passion for playing baseball is fading away. I am used to joinig all kinds of clubs in hopes of having fun or helping someone, and it's true that these things do happen, but it wears me out. I would rather commit to something my hearts set on and have that be it. (less is more). I am participating in page to stage childrens theatre with Kim Bartling right now. This has been one of my favorite casts. My favorite cast was Warn which only consisted of 6 people. This cast has 6 as well(Less is more).
All summer I have wanted to make a movie but have been to busy with baseball, theatre, and work. So I think during the school year I won't have a job. My job will consist of being a student and having fun and growing in many facets with a focus on what I truly enjoy. My biggest current goal is to have the endurance to withstand the rest of the summer, Lord give me strength.

Freedom Gas Station Adventures

Today I sat at the freedom gas station eating a Jumbo Frank hot dog, drinking a Dr.Pepper, and eating pringles. There was Paint on my skin, and I was wearing orange shorts and a gray t-shirt. A guy pulls in his car gets out in some nice slacks, button up shirt, and a tie. He starts to fill his gas up and then walks over to me. He says with energy "so are you ready for football." I thought he had mistaken me for a USF football player so I said, "O, I don't play football." He says, "o ya, but are you ready for the NFL it's about to start." So I said, "o ya", because I'm always ready for the season to start. So he says, "are you a Viking fan, do you think Favre is gonna come back." I said, "I don't know I saw something last night that said he might", and he budged in not on purpose and said, "o ya, ya, he's going to come back." Then he said, "where I come from people like the Packers, Bears and Vikings, and it's pretty much the same in South Dakota on the east side, but on the west side of the state people start liking the Chiefs and Broncos,it's like a bisexual state it doesn't know what it wants." So I gave him a genuine laugh adoring the randomness of this situation. I said,"So what are you doing today". He said anxiously "Well I might go home and spray the lawn but I'm not sure if it's ready yet." He then went to finish filling up his gas, walked in paid for his food, came out went to his car and left. I felt like this guy had just put on a show for me. I don't know why he walked up to me, but it was hilarious and made my day.

On the way home riding my bike I saw a person in pink shorts and a pink shirt with headphones on doing a strange dance while walking towards the Tut Hill.

Words of Wisdom: Being willing to risk it all in total acknowledgement that failure is possible.

New Earth

I went to New York City in January. It was a great experience. With that said, I have had one event happen in my life since I came home that has taken me further away. It was during acting rehearsal for the play Warn where I felt completely naked and totally exposed. It wasn't until I accepted my flaws and went on with my big scene that I was able to stomach the moment. I finally entered into the scene and was so awakened that I wanted to run around and scream about how alive I felt. Just something I have been thinking about.

I met a very nice guy named Mike in Chicago at a Thai place where he told me I should order the Panang Curry. He was born in Brazil and lived their until he was twelve where a love for soccer grew in his heart. When he moved to Chicago he originally lived on the south side and is a White Sox fan and isn't fond of the Cubs. He was raised Muslim and Christian. So he takes part in a religion called Baha which is a mix of both. He says spiritual guidance is a good thing and something extra to keep you grounded. I randomly started talking to Mike and treasure the experience we shared. He'd just gotten off work. I didn't catch what his job was. I also met an interesting cab driver who commented on the White Sox vs. Cub rivalry. He said it wasn't really a game but a fight between families. He said the Black hawks winning the Stanley Cup united the two teams fans a little bit but not much. Their was a celebration at wrigley field among Cubs and White Sox Fans and he said you would have thought it was Mecca. He had a crazy laugh that made me laugh uncontrollably because of how ridiculous it was, the man was very calm at the beginning of the ride and had me questioning if he was driving drunk or was on some heavy drugs, maybe his laugh was just insane. I tried to start a conversation with him right when I sat down but he didn't get excited until I started quietly singing to myself about the Cubs. I rode with C.J, Alex M, and Dave M. Dave M knows how to live it up. This dude had double age on all of us and had perhaps the most energy. We had good talks throughout the trip and thoroughly enjoyed heckling each other during the games. C.J is my boy and as he tried to continuously out smart every one we gave him shit continuously. C.J is a good friend, love every minute I get to spend with that guy. Alex and I enjoyed the trip and remembered all the days in high school I stayed at his house. We are brothers.

Once again the theme that is planted in my mind when I am on vacation is finding out what home is all about. When I am at home I can forget what beautiful things are out their. So like in my acting scene I dare myself to seek even further away from home within my own city, to do things that I haven't done before. I want to be naked every day. Not just on my birthday.