Been playin with kids all summer, I got no idea whats going on, feelin like i have no place to go, real tired though probably just bed time. I got a call back to this company, but they seem like dickheads, I dont know if I want to be associated with them. Im undercover Im in the closet. What to do. But maybe thats just a bad ass attitude and a hello to the real world. I want to do more with LEbowski. NIght

I am contemplating between visions in the current time and what that means to me. There so many things that I know are to come, and whether I will be there or not does not really matter to me. All I know is experience is the only thing that exists. I can think and assert true and false projectiles of my mind based on my assumptions about why I have created them, but this only leads to shallow thinking, and the byproduct is assumption. Do what your heart leads you too. Amen

Late Night Serenity

I decided to do a post and read some blogs instead of my usual check face book quick and get off the internet. Im not sure if I really have anything to write. But thats a lie of course I do. This holiday season I find myself a little more peaceful, and with a little more voice. I feel like Im in that limbo ground right now where Im fond and for the path I am on, but at the same time Im still waiting for some kind of big wave to wash over me. I don't believe in waves though, and Im finding freewill to be the reassuring presence in my life. I have seen so many more signs of grace from people in my life, family, friends and acquaintances. I have also found that the only person that can live the life I want to live is me, needing approval from anyone else is an excuse to not be bold. Now I could go on and talk about the life I want to live, but that's meaningless, might as well live it. I cant think of anything else I want to tell you blog. Goodnight.

Anything

I am in the show broadway and beyond right now. Also staying busy with half hearted attempts at homework, and the chasings of the wind from day to day. I've decided that killing my emotions isn't a good thing. I realize as I get older this is something that I do, i think everyone does, but it I feel it at a higher degree now. So today I told more people about how I felt. Some of it propaganda and hidden agenda but through it all and all good intentioned. I'm begginning to realize that anything but an honest life isn't something that I can fathom to live long term. Some times I just want to cover up in a protective blanket, and go to sleep on my feelings, but I can't do that anymore, my heart won't let me. Colin Koth and I have been getting together talking movie script for my senior project, it should be fun! I feel like we should set a dateline for our activity though, or meeting times at the very least. I have been getting to no Naomi a little better, few times hanging out but it seems like things haven't fit well with timing lately, that's cool though, I'm going to keep trying. I tried out for all my sons, that was good, one of myf avorite tryouts and think I had one of my best readings. How do i feel, let me try and explain that one, well I'm not like really happy or satisfied, I'm needing to leanr more patience i think, im kind of excited about each day though, that's a strength, i'm excited about everything I've talked about, I feel like these experiences are challenging my sensibilities, part of me though still wonders why its here and what my place is in the world, who am i here to help, benefit, lots of questions...guess I'll figure it out as i go, or just go.

A Friend

Coldly numb to the happenings of now
Within the groves of the favouring hand
Laughin at the newfound lies
It's a battle on the inside
don't know what to hide
Or let be known
the man has plans that don't include what I want
And he brings me near things that taunt who I am not
This is the experience sought
To be more near
the encompassing fear
So when I go home
I know I'm not alone

Ready or Not

I'm Ready to leave you.
So Trust me. Trust me enough to know me
Know me. Know me. Know me.
You see I talk to myself all the time
Please don't shut me down girl
I'm lost and alone talking but your still around
You say it's magic you've found
We could drive away from this place, and not state the case
Cuz Can't you see I'm still smiling
and the pain is gone when your around
But we're runnin out of time
I'll hold you forever but you only got one last chance to come with
Or it's me waving goodbye to you from a cold bench
So Trust me. Trust me to know me.
Know me enough to Trust me.
Trust you enough to know me.
Know me.

I have felt a hardened heart lately. I'm back at school, the place where being back felt so great for a short while. But then I was reminded of the dissapointments that lay here, the opportunities I have missed, and the ones I am surely going to miss in the future. My friend said it well, I just don't care lately, or i care to much, one or the other. I dont feel I have been trusting God because I'm not letting him do his thing, I bow out of situations, put my head down and walk away. I waiting for the next best thing, waiting instead of trusting that God's hand is guiding. I feel that I am just going around occupying space. I miss Hazel alot. I dream about her often. I can never really remember what the dreams are about, just that she is in them. I feel like a fake. Jacki Hartman tried to talk to me today and I had nothing to say to her, she asked me questions about myself and I couldn't be honest. I forget about the poor, and am focused on preserving of the self. This leads me into sadness and despair. I don't like it here. I have been writing song, and have been telling myself that I really care about voice, but I find myself talking with half a heart. Things need to change.