Life

Find myself feeling pretty "something", "normal" I don't know. Usually when I'm alone I am scheming for something great. But lately I haven't been acting on that, and not among people socially either, I don't think at least. It feels settling but mundane as well, like somethings missing, but something isn't. I feel like their is a day coming were I will need to be exuberant and impressive, but right now I don't really care, I like being myself, and I'm growing tired of trying to shine above the rest. I'm still very nervous and find myself being frightened by the elements of this world, girls, jobs, friends, loneliness, family, the pressure of days. The pressure of days has deeply affected me in my life, and even though I think I have come such a long ways since college started, from one year to the next, I am still incredibly insecure. But God helps me still, according to the measure of faith he has given me. I wonder what makes me so scared though, I'm fragile beyond measure. Jesus is amazing. I don't write this journal because I'm upset with my state, although I am to some degree, just being honest with myself and realizing this brings to light for me how amazing Jesus really is. My friend Jeff Ballard always use to say to me man it seems like you always have it all together and I tell him, "No man I was scared shitless." And then I proceed to tell him the same, that I'm amazed by what he does, and he says "Dude I don't know what I'm doing either, I'm a nervous wreck to." We both follow Jesus and it finally makes sense, people aren't making it up when the say they have no clue what they are doing, they don't, but Jesus does. I think I'm making this sound to easy though. Lately I have felt like an expired gallon of milk that the family is still drinking out of, because it tastes ok.

Softball Team

Our softball team lost both of it's game in a double elimination tournament today. We had a couple of battles losing the first game 11-6 and losing the second game 11-12 in a extra innings thriller. It was a solid team effort, we all had our spectacular moments and we all had our fair share of mistakes'. Lately I have pondered the difference between success and failure. It's so easy to get tied up in winning and losing in softball because when the games over we get immediate results, a Final score. I find myself continuously throughout my life believing in Final scores. It's really a place where I feel torn as a human being because winning and losing is a big part of life, but unlike sports, in my daily life I can't always see final scores. So it's much harder to decipher what I am losing and what I am gaining. I find myself wishing that their were final scores for everything because then I would simply know who I am, and where I stand. Just think if we really did have personal final scores already, would their be reason to change, would progress be made, we got the job done already and that's all that matters, right? Then how come I have walked away feeling empty from what seemingly was obvious success. You know, we lost the game today, but I felt more like a champion walking away from that field. So I will leave it to White Men Can't Jump. "Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs."

I'm a poet and I didn't even know it

Hiding my fears in a system that plans it's liberation. We're only living on vacation. Scared to grow and not comforted by secular noise. I step out the box to see what the future employs. Believing in Gods all I have. So i continue down the trail, in secret hope that I don't fail. This is where the truth unveils. And I'm not impressed. But at least I confessed, I needed you more than you needed me. it was magic meeting new creation. The creator brought to me what I'd been chasing. Fresh and new and scary feelings came. Jesus taught me more about my name. An unbeliever for so long. Finally believing in his song.

Lunch

People Coming round while I'm sittin at the table. Talkin, sittin, bein, I'm completely able. Make some shit up to create the new. I wish I could make all your dreams come true. But your you and I'm me. I do my part. Why is it I think I can complete you. Partaking in shitty read through. No, go ahead, sit back, be quiet. Don't be a fantasy compliant. Quit dreamin about livin, and start livin in your dreams. This moment is not as queer as it seems. Because where building towards the future and letting our guards down. So don't go for the kill, and hold onto the big punch. This is just one round, enjoy your lunch.

I meant to be with people
But don't want to understand
What he does with his mighty hand
I have my own shit and things to do
He can talk to me when he wants to make me cool
He slaps me in the face again and again
Throwing me illusions and taking them again
But my music comes back after a time or two
Of thinking and thinking and thinking it through
So why is it you so badly want my sole
Because right now I feel a empty whole
It feels I'm already meant to be as I am
I'm man

So I feel that art is awesome, because you have the opportunity to create what you want to create. And you don't have to care about whether it sells or not. u could work a job painting the rest of your life and make art on the side forever, get an easy low paying job that's clever. Judy and me made rhymes on the deck today and we had a nice walk and talk that I enjoyed so much. I wrote a story today and plan on filming it whenever. I Have been trying to find balance for so long, but I think art is more about just doing now. It isn't really something you should have to think about or question, unless you really want to. I'm startin to realize their are things that appeal to me that I have wanted to make lately but have been hesitant because of end result thinking and outside product people thinking. These are illusions that really don't exist like I heard Michael Jordan say in his Hall of Fame speech. I have been listenin to Saul Williams and Elliot Smith, they are so awesome. A big realization for me was that I like them, but I'm not them, not in any way, the only way an end product would sound anything like them and be something I enjoyed would be if it was really meant to be, and then their is really no explanation about that. I love their lyrics, they are meaningful and I believe we are hearing an artist striving and seeking their true voice, and enjoying themselves in it, whether their songs are happy or sad.

Lots of Lies

Teacher Preacher? Why do you keep on?

The Doors Shutting Swiftly down the halls
while painting with the manic scene drums
your switching speeds until the heal comes
because your bored until special words
this syndromes not a choice
Think? its your real voice

Teacher Preacher? Why do you keep on
Teacher Preacher? Why do you keep on

Days full of erasers and chalk
Starting over in every room
Leaving yesterday behind
Cuz yesterday don't go away
Your safe haven might last awhile
So lie to me you stupid pile
Emotionless faces standing in an unknown Place
And your friends make you taste sweet smiles

Teacher Preacher? Why do you keep on
Teacher Preacher? Why do yo keep on
Teacher Preacher? Why do I keep on